The short version: I have been binge eating for the past 10 years and it’s time to stop. I started this blog to document my progress overcoming binge eating disorder, and hopefully to connect with others.
The long version: I am a 26 year old professional with a shameful secret: I binge eat. Not in a “I just ate an entire burger and milkshake and blew my diet” kind of way. Rather, in a “I just ate 5,000 calories in one sitting” kind of way.
It all started about ten years ago in high school when I was recovering from anorexia. I was forced to gain weight, and in the process I started to binge eat. My body had been so starved for so long that I was overcome with the urge to eat. I kept up with the habit throughout college and grad school, bingeing in secret when my roommates weren’t around. At least once a week, I would shovel food into my mouth until I couldn’t breathe. Then I’d wait for the food to settle and eat more. And more. And more.
As anyone who binge eats can tell you, it is terrible. The secrecy, the shame, the pain from a distended stomach and sugar headache, the weight gain . . . the list goes on.
While I’ve never made myself throw up after binge eating (although sometimes I’ve wanted to just to ease the physical pain), for many years I compensated by exercising and restricting my eating for a few days after the binge. As a result, my weight remained stable, with my BMI hovering around 19. But that didn’t make the bingeing any less awful. I would often skip social events because I was bingeing on the weekend. I would lie to my fiance (then boyfriend) and tell him I was studying just so that I could sit in my apartment and inhale a gallon of ice cream and box of crackers (among other things). And the next day, I always felt so awful. It was like a hangover, but worse. I felt full, sweaty, foggy, and disgusted with myself.
My binge eating has spiraled even more out of control in the past year or so. It’s become much more frequent, and as a result I’ve gained about ten pounds, bumping my BMI up to about 20. And if I don’t get this under control, it’s only going to get worse. But as anyone who binge eats can attest, the fact that I'm not overweight doesn't make the problem any less painful; binge eating in and of itself is a horrible thing.
I’ve tried therapy, I’ve read books, and nothing has helped. But I firmly believe that I have the power to change this behavior; if people can overcome drug addictions, why can’t I overcome this? Hopefully through this process of writing and self-discovery, I can find the answer.
If you suffer from binge eating, please leave me a comment. I’d love to hear from you! Contact me at banishingbed (at) gmail (dot) com.
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